On the evening of 20th June my phone (and watch, because I'm one of THOSE smartwatch people now. At least I'm not a glasshole) started buzzing. I was getting a torrent of follower after follower on Twitter.
At first I thought it was just spam-bots as usual, but they didn't look like it and as the torade continued. I knew this was something else. I clicked onto some of the accounts and quickly found a tweet linking to my profile from an account with over 14,000 followers.
That'll be what did it then. Introducing @GodfreyElfwick, self described "Genderqueer Muslim atheist. Born white in the #WrongSkin. Itinerant jongleur. Xir, Xirs Xirself. Filters life through the lens of minority issues." Xir is obviously some kind of parodytrollzilla. I will leave it up to you dear reader to decide how much of what he says he actually means, for you are an intelligent person with eyes and a brain, and your brain has a mind, and you are capable of making your own uninformed snap judgements about people.
So now I have over 63 million new followers (I added in the million to make it sound more impressive, it's just 63), people faving, retweeting, mentioning me... my phone was buzzing non stop with notifications for an hour. They seemed to be mocking me, but not in a nasty way. What was it all about?
My friends were just as confused as I was.
Don't Worry be Happy
I wasn't sure whether to be happy, worried or embarrassed
Phew! Others reassured me too.
Some people weren't sure of my reality
I've produced a soothing night-time album just for you
These leadership skills are going straight on my CV!
I Think he Likes it
They seemed to like me in the end
And were very nice about it
I even got an offer that's hard to refuse
Beginning of the End
I was curious how this lovely bunch actually found me through the intertubes so I did some cyber digging. Cygging.
2:34 pm - 20 Jun 2015: Found it; @femigurl saw me talking about @nero. I knew that even without the @ sign someone would see. I'm sorry @nero, I will never doubt your omnipresence again.
Haiku of Forgiveness
One person (account now deleted) took issue with my haiku and Godfrey retweeted it. Though they didn't link to me or my site where the Haiku was found. I extended my hand of healing
and they even apologised, sweet.
Scrolling through the timelines of some of these people I saw that #SmurfJusticeWarrior seems to be a thing. Smurfs are blue. My hair is... I'm seeing a connection.
Some thought I was trolling
But Godfrey found my Facebook photo, which apparently proved I'm totally cereal.
There was a worry about my location, but I reassured them.
I became a prodigy for my life enhancing ideas
I even got memes made for me!
This is a true honour. DiCaprio? Yes please!
And, er, something to do with Avatar...
Over and Out
This post seems to have taken the form of a BuzzFeed article. I'm so sorry, I am now both a smurf and a hack. I found this whole experience amusing, I feel kinda bad for not feeling bad as others have found trolling upsetting while I just found it funny.
It all seems to have died down now, my 5 minutes of fame over. Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam yolo.